Addicted to…

“An essential part of sanity is being grounded in reality, so in the sense that addicts distort reality, the… addiction becomes a form of insanity.” – Patrick Carnes

Life makes little sense to the partner of a sex addict.

The addiction closely parallels one to drugs and/or alcohol. All three involve “a destructive preoccupation with a mood altering substance,” and a tendency for the addict to protect their source of happiness and comfort at any cost. This usually involves lying, deflecting, rationalizing, and gaslighting others to avoid discovery of the compulsive acts. These maladaptive ways of evading discovery are simply the addict doing whatever possible to maintain the supply of drugs, alcohol or willing sexual partners. Living a life of rigorous honesty is required in order to escape the insidious denial that traps one in a cycle of addictive behaviors. Denial of the true consequences of acting out is one of the first obstacles to face in recovery, and it is one of the hardest to overcome for anyone regardless of addiction. The length and consistency of sobriety rests on the ability to be brutally honest about personal successes, failures, milestones in sobriety, relapses, and emotions.

Due to the intense personal shame produced by acting out compulsively, sex addicts become experts at leading a double life. As the disease progresses, addicts work increasingly hard to maintain a ‘normal’ image for family and the general public. As long as that perception remains unchanged, the addict feels the satisfaction of ‘getting away with it’ while avoiding ridicule. Also, since no one apparently knows and it stays that way, the addict feels like he won the lottery. He gets to engage in victimless pleasurable behavior and as long as it remains a secret, no one will be hurt.

Unfortunately, loved ones are deeply affected by the addiction regardless of whether or not anyone knows the truth. Given the need to keep family business moral and pure, the shame of the addict intensifies greatly. What the addict may not see immediately is the fact that sexual compulsiveness spans generations in many families. The flat out denial of such issues is precisely what causes the addiction to thrive and affect future generations.

Therefore, loved ones can unknowingly perpetuate the behavior by ignoring or rationalizing the existence of a problem. Keep in mind that it is also just as difficult to address the issue since confronting an active user rarely ends in peaceful tears and a trip to rehab. Already entangled in illogical explanations and befuddled by numerous flat out rejections of reality, loved ones must stay focused while facing a litany of well rehearsed deflections. By this stage, many already tried fixing the addict’s behaviors through shaming, threats, restricting bank accounts, demanding access to call logs, etc. Clearly they respond to the situation by trying to help the addict in any way possible, even if they are actively using. This enabling of unacceptable behavior also prolongs healing time and ultimately delays the addict feeling the real consequences of his actions.

One of a few differences between an addiction to a substance versus an addiction to sex is method of delivery. Drug/alcohol addicts ingest, shoot, snort or smoke to experience a high. A sex addict needs only to act out sexually to obtain that same euphoria, but they eventually require more/longer/riskier episodes to re-experience the initial high. This makes it easier for the addict to conceal the behavior. Another key difference is the impact on the spouse or partner.

Partner

In the rush to save the addict, many overlook the partner. Not only are they coming to terms with being in a relationship with an addict, they face the typical hurts accompanied by infidelity, the massive violation of respect and sometimes the shock of realizing their partner may prefer other genders. In short, the world as it was comes tumbling down.

To put this type of pain into perspective, one can consider the impact of a partner’s single indiscretion. This involves feelings of rejection, abandonment, betrayal, anger and sadness. With the discovery of numerous compulsive acts, one adds to the previous list terror, anxiety, helplessness, hopelessness and plain shock. If the person confesses before the partner finds out, the odds of the couple saving the relationship are relatively favorable. Actually, the same is true for sex addiction. If the addict comes clean before discovery and if they are willing to do anything to stop the acting out, the odds of that couple sticking together also rise significantly.

Unfortunately, this is not a wishful thinking blog.

Body

The partner usually places blame on herself first and the most obvious thing to find fault with is her body. Sex addicts are usually indiscriminate and opportunists but the partner, desperate to find control in an uncontrollable situation, will believe they caused the addict to find pleasure elsewhere because they were not sexy or attractive enough. Some addicts will actually use this self blame against the partner and eagerly agree to avoid scrutiny. If the addict has a preference for blond hookers with round asses and the partner is brunette and not as gifted in the same area, that builds an impossible standard to meet and the partner knows they will never be enough for monogamy.

Safety

Given the upheaval of discovery, the partner no longer feels safe in any way with the addict. The addict may promise to never do it again or they may say it was never bad to begin with and they were just about to quit before the partner found out. Unfortunately, the addict is usually lying and the partner may go searching in an attempt to find out the truth. This results in checking phone, computer and bank records for anything suspicious.

Too much

I’d continue but it is truly that painful to remember the inevitable helplessness after my family shattered like the fragile, worthless and meaningless piece of crap it proved to be, but I suppose I’m happy now knowing reality.

I think I’m happy anyway. Will I ever know?

(C) 2014