One, or over

“I accept that the life I have known is over.”

Here goes nothing.

It is easy for anyone to fall into the role of unsuspecting victim, and although in my particular situation I was very unsuspecting (more so due to timing), I cannot say that I did not contribute to the problem at all. Yes the things my ex did are inexcusable, unacceptable and at some point he has to take personal responsibility if he wants to change and live a happier life. Yes there are children involved and sometimes I feel he should be tarred and feathered in the town square, but it takes two to participate in a relationship, no matter how false or dysfunctional it is to the couple and to the world. Of course any interesting plot requires a good guy/bad guy character juxtaposition and I am only too willing to highlight my suffering for the sake of a good story. However, the point of this blog is to heal and that is impossible without having any empathy for the other person. In order to make peace with the pain, I have to do what is counterintuitive and put myself in his shoes.

Hold onto your butts.

Mind games

Pimps are an interesting breed. The lure of easy money, unexpected danger, and the implied ownership of a harem drive many men to attempt or at least daydream about working as a pimp. The men who possess a strong moral code, higher self confidence, healthier psychological profiles, and the ability to perform as legitimate sales/businessmen likely never entertain the thought beyond a fantasy. Other men may be fresh out of the job market, unable to enter the job market, or facing an impending retirement from a career where, once lauded as the best and brightest, they now face days of reflection and monotony.

Of course, pimping is just as detrimental as it is alluring. In addition to its legal ramifications, the money is certainly far from easy and the harem of women require a certain level of sociopathic treatment in order to do the job.

Enter the mind games.

After reading the autobiographies of pimps Rosebudd and Iceberg Slim, it is apparent that they typically did not physically harm or threaten women to keep their workforce compliant. According to Rosebudd, “If [she] was going to turn out, it was best if she had a strong attitude towards it.” It is interesting that some women willingly participate in such an arrangement, although they do not do so without prior influence or a certain amount of persuasion. It seems that the pimps are privy to a certain level of mind control.

The mind control that is the subject of this post is not the fodder of sci-fi books or government conspiracies. It is simply knowing how to give the impression of relating to another person to achieve your own goals. In order to do this, one must get to know the mind and heart of another person as much as possible. When one finds out what drives the other person (fame, admiration, love), one can align goals to appear beneficial to the target so that any request will be considered with little to no objection. This is less difficult to pull on friends and partners, which makes it that much more repugnant when it happens.

Another method of manipulating others is to appeal to their emotions. People are most likely to act out of emotion rather than logic. If you are able to elicit an emotion (positive or negative), you are more likely to get others to do as you please. After taking a step back and looking at the pimp/prostitute relationship through this lens, you quickly see just how easy it is for anyone to prey on another person’s vulnerability.

What kind of person knowingly does this to another human being? Obviously pimps. Definitely addicts. What kind of person is likely to fall victim to these tactics?

Anyone ever bought a car before?

Assumptions

Maybe you shouldn’t be working here

Her voice did not sway from her usual tone, but it didn’t lessen the urge to leave the building altogether. Unfortunately these moments still occur, but I keep to myself. Why this person treats me differently did not make sense until recently, when we had to put our differences aside to work on a project. As we compared notes, I saw the answer to this mystery almost as soon as we started speaking to each other. We are way too much alike! We answer every question in the same manner and we both believe that we are right about everything. Suddenly it all makes sense.

I have similar annoyances with younger women that remind me of myself in my early twenties. Typically many of the insecure ones grew up without fathers or brothers, so they may carry some not so true assumptions about men. The typical misconceptions include fallacies such as men only want one thing and they don’t value commitment and love as much as women. Regardless of the reasons behind the misconceptions, no one really understands how damaging these women can be to the men that choose to love them. What is also tragic is that no one thinks to warn young men about these women.

I shouldn’t be gender specific when speaking about assumptions. Harmful assumptions are, well, harmful to everyone. It strikes me to see how damaging they can be to those around us. However, it is also interesting to see that we make assumptions about and hate those that are most similar to parts of ourselves that we usually want to hide from the world.

One bowl, three robes

“For, although it is true that fear and despair can overwhelm us, hope cannot be purchased with the refusal to feel.”

Nelson Mandela is always the go to example on the issue of forgiveness, especially when one needs to forgive the unthinkable. Which acts are considered ‘unthinkable’ is a topic that is heavily subjective, so for simplicity I will say that I’ve not only been on the receiving end of unthinkable cruelty, I’ve also put others in that unfortunate position. The primary focus of this topic is usually who is at fault and how they can and should be punished, but in coming to terms with my own experience, I’ve learned that dealing with the aftermath of such acts involves much more than doling out punishments to an obviously guilty party. It comes with an intense and sometimes unbearable amount of pain. It involves searching for answers to questions that may never be fully or truthfully answered at all. It will call into question any faith one had in God, karma, physics and the motives of other humans. The aftermath can leave one paranoid and hard to appreciating the good things in the world. In order to cope and somehow move forward, one must find a way to forgive and/or forget the transgression. I remember an article that influenced me to actively pursue forgiveness and a lot of it involved writing from the other person’s point of view. Is it perfect forgiveness? Not at all. The anger still flares and the questions can still haunt me. I see it as a difficult, dirty, hurtful and lonely journey full of ups and downs that no one else can quite understand. It is a progressive journey though and despite some of my posts, I am an optimist. Good things to you friends and I hope this helps.

http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/beyond-bullying/201306/lesson-nelson-mandela-forgiveness