I did

“Ok just need to buy more time and convince her to take the kids tonight, lol.”

“You miss me.”

“I miss the weird belief that you would actually do the right thing. I miss an illusion, a lie. You are not anything I believed about you, so I do not actually miss you. I don’t know who you are.”

I just wanted to kiss and hold you but you wear so much hate.”

“Don’t worry. Come Monday morning you’ll be back to fucking other bitches without responsibility, so you’ll live.”

“You’ll never be soft. Forgive me I forget time to time.”

“That’s why you have other bitches. Duh.”

Direction

http://youtu.be/TJAfLE39ZZ8

“You said, ‘Just pick a direction and lets go.’ Why can’t you be that person again? That’s my favorite story about you. I tell that to everyone.”

Young and in lust, we decided to run away and drive to San Diego and we drove until we both realized we wanted sleep more than ocean. The nearest hotel in the middle of the desert had a 1950’s space age theme and we shared ourselves uninterrupted and unconcerned with time, obligations, and the real world. To hear you mention it almost a decade later, after having children and holding jobs, is almost comical and insulting. How do I simultaneously raise our children properly and take off with you on unplanned excursions? Our kids require a daily routine that includes getting them to school on time, picking them up at a reasonable hour, and providing them with a clean and stable home. None of that happens if we decide to run away from the world. We have obligations to our kids now. I take your moment of nostalgia as nothing more than a random reflection on our early years together and we change the topic.

Months later, you are in my passenger’s seat and I start driving out of town. The kids are with my parents. You have the day off. I am free but I am still trying to comprehend the messages, call logs and personals sites. It takes me a lot longer to do this because you won’t admit to doing any of it; even if I have undeniable evidence of your extracurricular activities, you single me out as crazy, possessive and controlling and you deliberately steer the focus of the conversation to my past and present mistakes. We should leave it behind for a day. Let’s go and pretend to run away, even if only for a few hours. Maybe you’ll see that I’m not a monster and some small part of your heart will feel a little compassion for me.

“We can’t go out of town. Turn around. I need to go to the gym. I only get one day off and you’re wasting the gas”

I know you’re lying about the gym. I can hear the tone of your voice change when you need what you’ve been planning, imagining and staging for days. I know I can’t stop you so I say nothing as I exit the freeway. My throat drops into my chest and I feel some tears on my cheek but there is no need to scream as if that ever helps anyone. As I accelerate towards the onramp, you try to say something but I turn up the volume and it stays on full blast until I feel nothing but wind in my hair.

This is our song. It makes me nauseous to hear it.

One, or over

“I accept that the life I have known is over.”